The Landmark Forum, nothing to write home about? Yet everything to share
Two weekends ago I skipped into The Landmark Forum (a 3-day event in London). I was full of expectation, jolliness and open to being coached or so I thought. This will be a breeze, what can I learn and add on to what I already know; more knowledge to share and coach my clients with, to help them.
I came away with nothing of the sort.
My husband Andrew had been introduced to Landmark taking part in The Forum in May. He was introduced by two peers – now very close deeply connected friends of his – this in itself from a man who doesn’t readily accept and had avoided close friendships for years, was a glimpse of a new side of him I didn’t know existed. Did I remember him like this 27 years ago when we first met? Not sure, it’s different, he’s being different, all since that Forum.
He seems to be more understanding, more patient, less on everyone’s case, paying more attention to the kids, calmer, more considerate to others, nicer, even tidying up after himself, making the bed, plumping the sofa cushions, and at peace and ease with his Alcoholism. Really? Ok so this won’t last, let’s watch him like a hawk for him to trip up; I know he can’t change that much in just 3 days. I know I will be right just wait and see…mmm this is annoyingly seemingly consistent, ok now the kids are on the observational viewing platform with me, Fraser’s ripe for spotting if Dad trips…”Landmark not working eh Dad?” as he starts to bark at some traffic while driving, checking himself mid flow however, ok diffused, this is new.
Yet more consistency, better outcomes from the same old conversations, more confidence, more vision for the future, our future, a different future than predicted. This really could be something here, my interest was growing and with it I was warming to this newer softer side of him. It was especially noticeable how when our 27 year old ‘difference of opinion’ of me always-being-late-yet-again (my view was relaxed ‘let’s leave around 9.30am’ approach) conversation spun around, softened and ended differently, triggers subsided, no one right and no one wrong, feelings intact, this feels better, closer, deeper, more caring, more connected. I think I like this, maybe it can work, maybe we can communicate on the same wave length more of the time after all? Just maybe? Judgement reserved for now.
As more and more of these marked differences in his way of being continued to emerge in the weeks following his Forum, I also noted, while as a guest at his Forum’s completion evening Tuesday night, that everyone there also had this calm, stupidly happy, natural confidence, patience, comfortable in their own skin, willingness and ease to speaking and sharing personal stuff at the mic in front of 200 people.
All seemed deeply connected, all self-assured, full of attractiveness that effortlessly oozed out of them. I also observed individual after individual kept approaching Andrew in a worship type way or like they’d found a long lost friend, all commenting on how much his sharing had truly inspired them and how they now felt they wished they were him! For real? Were they all brainwashed? Andrew actually sharing intimate close-up and personal stuff? Letting people in and now choosing to make friends? OK this could be really something, how must that feel, yes I’m beginning to think I’d like some of that please. So how does that happen, oh OK just 3 days and an evening yes I think I can spare that, 2 nights in a hotel alone with no one rushing me, no cooking for the family, a bit of space for some self-improvement, yes I can see the benefits, above and beyond Andrew hinting he’d like me to do it. So I signed up and let my unexpected journey begin.
I’d bought the golden ticket, had one foot on the train, was excited to find out where we were going, oh but don’t forget my bags, quite a bit of ‘baggage’ as it happened – a mix of ones that I was aware of and some that I didn’t even know I had or even recognised as mine. So over the next few weeks we sat on board, still in the station, tickets and reservations being checked until our role call in August. I pushed it to the back of my mind about whether it could be a bumpy journey and wholeheartedly told my clients, some of my family and a few friends: “look where I’m going it’s going to be amazing come watch me once I’m at the end of my journey, look what happened to Andrew” confidently exposing myself to the idea of sitting in this room for 3 days and coming out transformed, bingo, easy!
My turn, my stop, my Forum had arrived Friday 11th August 2017. Quietly excited, yet a bit nervy at the thought of sharing at the mic in front of a load of strangers, oh maybe I won’t share, yeh that will be ok, I’ve got nothing interesting to say anyway, just a few emptyish bags with me to rifle through. Yep that’s it normal ordinary life with no major hurdles or setbacks I thought, so I will just sit and listen and try to make sense of it. And if I don’t get it well I’m lucky I’ve got Andrew to help explain it so maybe I don’t really need to try, yes that’s it I will just watch from the stands, see others have a go on court like Andrew did (and advised I did too), no I will do it my way, in my time, yes that will work.
Time to be brave, in we go to a sea of 122 strangers, name badges on, yep spelt correctly (thank goodness my maiden name or worse still my school nickname wasn’t on their too for everyone to laugh at, not that that bothers me anymore really, after all I didn’t have to change my name by Deed Poll unlike my bother did!). Good good off we go toot toot stand clear of the doors please, doors closing.
Blimey look at all these strangers they look more confident, seem more prepared, are more attractive, thinner than me, fitter than me, more self-assured than me, have heavier bags than me… which seat to choose? Ok there’s no way I’m sitting in the front row like Andrew suggested, I won’t be getting up to the mic, yes this is perfect off to the side half way back middle of the row, safe place to view from the stands in my new comfort zone ah and such a lovely beautiful smiley face to sit next to. Bum down, quick excited hellos.
Ok so yes I’m sure I knew it already we are all on the same train it appears, all a bit unsure of the destination, all with our golden ticket, all clutching our own baggage so tightly, all putting our faith and future powerful lives in the hands of the Forum Leader. But oh no where’s Jerry the Leader who I was specifically told, had already met, half liked, and believed was taking this Forum whom Andrew had introduced me to too? I was prepared for him…ok don’t be stupid you know there are only 54 Leaders worldwide, trust the team, trust the standards, this smiley Chinese Canadian lady Leader Michelle, yep she’s ok I can hear her clearly, that’ll work, she seems very nice, very professional, very reassuring.
And so The Forum train left the platform, edging away from the station and heading off on an unknown track to an unknown destination on a journey I had chosen. It was only 3 days and an evening, home soon. It soon became apparent that we were now definitely in the hands of some very caring, deeply capable, highly confident, oh so patient, intimidatingly intuitive, yet encouraging and fully empowering crew to guide us each in our own discoveries on our own journey.
Hard chairs! Get over it there is no first class; ages till a break! Hold on bladder you will do it for me this time please I don’t want to miss a thing; ages till dinner break ok I’ll deserve a good meal by then and can chat easily with a few fellow passengers on how they came to buy their Forum ticket.
Chug chug. Ok first bumpy points on the track – what inner voice don’t be stupid that’s just me, no no I don’t have one of them, yeh yeh I know this stuff, it’s bit like stuff I know and use already with my clients… aha Woohoo! Hello! Ok so that’s you isn’t it Inner Voice? All this chatter, confusion, questioning, knowing, opinions, rights wrongs, shoulds shouldn’ts, will won’t, good bad, do don’t, why how, yes no, agree disagree, along with so many mixed meanings upon meanings and more meanings that I use to try to make sense of it all in there every minute all the time. Right, now I’ve found you just shut up, quieten down I’m trying to listen to Chinese Canadian Michelle, can’t miss a thing…
Thankfully I trusted what they said about consider not taking notes. How would I listen to my inner chatter, hear Michelle and work out the key bits to write down all at the same time and not miss anything or skew it to put it in a way that fitted with what I already thought I knew?. Ok I can do this. I’ll get this, this makes sense, ease back into my seat keep watching from the stands, crack on I’m here I’m listening, I’m present and my Inner Voice is chilling out. Chug chug.
Then out of nowhere BANG!
“flip have we just crashed or derailed?” Looks around “well they’re all ok maybe it’s me then?…oh I’m not getting this now, I don’t understand it, I’m not bright enough for this after all I failed most of my O Levels all those years ago and didn’t read newspapers which turned into a phobia which my brothers relished in teasing me with, and then I felt guilty for the choices I made or didn’t make, I clearly am not able or meant to be operating at this higher level stuff, that’s for others better than me, with bigger stories than me, bigger more important issues, maybe I’m the only one here feeling like this, oh now I’m not feeling very comfortable. Go get up and leave, exit at the next platform, no one will notice? Wet face, why? How? What’s going on? Why is this upsetting me? It’s ok Andrew can help me when I get home it’s not for me, life was ok I’ll be alright, I’ll try harder another time maybe even get up to the mic and share then, avoid it now, avoid the whole thing now even? I’ll ring Andrew and explain in the next break, I know he’ll be supportive.” said Inner Voice as he jolted to attention automatically as if right on cue.
This was the start of experiencing the impact of a blind spot in my way of being and the way I approached my life and everything in it. It was part of me, from the moment I attached meaning to key actions from childhood through to early adulthood. I worked with it, for it, round it, functioning perfectly well but with its essence always present, always underlying and the impact of it getting stronger and persisting. It had been there all along for others to feel the impact of and react to too, but not obvious enough to be pointed out to me or for me to acknowledge it myself. Looking back it had felt odd at times and I couldn’t explain my actions or words as to why I was being that way. I was totally blind to it; I didn’t know that I didn’t know that it even existed.
Let me introduce my Inner Being: Mr Resistance & independent side kick Ms Stubborn. Something familiar to them to those that have known me for a long time, maybe even an Ah ha moment for you, yep you’ve met them or felt their impact I’m sure?
The impact of Mr Resistance & Ms Stubborn in cahoots with my Inner Voice is overwhelming. Resistance combined with stubbornness is powerful, controlling, dominating, wilful, won’t do anything asked to do, reacts badly to be asked to do something, mean, spiteful, moody, stroppy, destructive, discouraging, unsatisfied, silent at times, outrageous, goal-wrecking, stealing the wind, non-compliant, can’t be bothered, it’s too much effort, avoiding, and yet on the other hand oh so comfortable, ballast if you will, so believable, so consistent and so persistent.
So imagine the body position of Mr Resistance & Ms Stubborn: standing tall, firm arms crossed, inauthentic smile, outward looking, self-reliant, don’t tell me what to do, looking good, helpful-looking perhaps, avoiding looking bad, inwardly closed, procrastinating, you know what you get, he knows best, you can’t tell him what to do, no he will do it in his own way, in his own time, always. Sorry Andrew for feeling the realm of that impact for 27years: your cooking is great please do more, your cushion plumping is perfecting, your gardening-touch miraculous, your time-keeping impeccable, your love consistent, your newfound Landmark way of being a turning point for our future, your provision for the family second to none…
In the Forum it impacted me by resisting everything. It told me: “I don’t get it, I can’t understand it, it’s too hard, I can’t try harder, I’m not bright enough, I don’t need this, I want to avoid that, I can help others but not myself, I’m not going to do the assignments Michelle has asked of us each break, I’m not going to get this. I can’t remember what we were supposed to do, I can’t write that, I can’t find the words in that format to talk to them…”
So as always I automatically listened and believed it, maybe it was easier that way, give in to it again, score an own goal again. This persisted for me over the whole weekend, each break calling Andrew, each time more upset, more frustrated, more resigned, each time less and less self-belief, each time withdrawing deeper into myself, each time not seeing the impact I was having on Andrew’s weekend at home with our three kids, each time the support in Andrew’s voice becoming firmer and more focused on standing by me to breakthrough this Resistance. In fact Andrew had used all his resources, he reached out to his intro Graduate, his Seminar coach, his Seminar friends, his Forum friends, his fellow Advanced Course friends, my cousin who knows me so well, knows my past, knows my background, knows my upbringing and has had her own inner journey of discovery. All to help him help me. Was he too close? Or was he my life line I so dearly reached out for but Resistance pulled my hand back in?
By this time Sunday morning, again no assignment completed overnight, failed again, blah blah blah, even I was getting sick and bored of the same old excuses. I was in my hotel room, bag packed, showered, dressed, waterproof mascara applied, avoided breakfast, everything ready before I attempt my assignment, failed again there. Resistance pulled out its Ace card; my chest felt tight, my heart was racing. I stood still and could barely move my legs, I couldn’t stop the ridiculous shoulder bouncing sobbing, couldn’t think straight, knowing this was my last chance. Andrew rang. I had 15 minutes spare for a 12 minute walk to get to Landmark by 9am on time.
At this point, I couldn’t even see me making it out of the hotel room. I had to put on my ‘fight for my life’ boxing gloves and just take the first few steps in the direction of Landmark. Out of the hotel OK, up to the pedestrian crossing, OK. NO! Resistance had spotted a beautiful, bright red, shiny, new-model double decker bus heading my way as I waited for the lights to change. “You can avoid all of this, go on just step out, this is easy, you can do it, GO! No need to face your clients, the friends you’ve told, your family’s expectations of your ‘transformed’ self, no facing up to the realisation that you failed to get Landmark” it hinted loudly in a split of a second.
This was a massive jolt straight to my conscious mind. Immediately I acknowledged that this was Resistance gloved up and gearing up to win. There was no way my family, my friends, or my clients deserved that outcome and that impact. NO, NO WAY YOU ARE NOT WINNING THIS ONE. YOU’VE HAD MY LIFE SO FAR. NO MORE, NOT NOW!
I crossed the road on the green walk light (small victory No.1). All I could think of was one foot in front of the other in the right direction while the tears still flowed. Resistance pulled a few last humorous yet half-hearted punches – tripping up my wheelie case on every single pavement slab, dragging down my knickers under my dress from their firm position, appearing to speed up my watch to make me late. It played every underhand unbelievable trick, anything and everything to stop me getting there, let alone reaching there on time.
At that moment in the midst of my final push to get there, I actually had a glimmer of light for a brief moment, which made me chuckle at the utter stupidity of Resistance, HOW VERY DARE YOU I thought as I straightened my case and adjusted my knickers. I made it through the doors at Landmark (small victory No2) at 8.59am on time (small victory No3), gloved up and daring to peer under the invisibility cloak of a blind spot that I now knew was there to be discovered.
After a massive generous welcoming hug from a voluntary assisting staff member who Andrew had actually been in contact with, I took some slow deep calming breaths; something had changed. I sat down in the Forum, weary from my draining persistent emotions, knowing I just had to be in there, after all Michelle our Leader had promised she would ‘leave no one behind’ and was ‘prepared to fight for your life’. I realised others had not wanted to return too and were also struggling to get it, lost in their own blind spots and stories.
Further through the day however the same old infuriating pattern: I called Andrew, no attempt at assignment etc etc boring now ha same old story from Friday right? In wades tough love from Andrew, his last life line for me showing me how much I wanted this, how we could grow together, how I didn’t want to go home and face all those expectant faces I’d so readily told and the impact it could have if I didn’t complete: “maybe feel low for a period of time, perhaps close my business down after all I’m a fraud, cut or avoid the friendships I spoken to about the Forum, withdraw, hideaway, wait till it blows over and people have forgotten I’d even attempted it” the Inner Voice continued.
Andrew noticed a glimmer of hope too as through my tears I gave him a genuine, loving, accepting, appreciative “thank you Andrew”. His words had enabled me to see and peek under the invisibility cloak I previously didn’t know I didn’t know was there and subsequently had the courage to admit this was my formal introduction to Mr Resistance and Ms Stubborn.
Back in the Forum, break over. Michelle kept checking in with us, those who were still a bit unsure, those who hadn’t quite seen the light, felt the clarity or acknowledged the access to power she had committed to provide. More and more examples shared, more and more self-discoveries achieved. Humour returned, eyes dried, hearts lifted and faith repaired that there is this other way to be and acknowledgement of the simple form it takes. The energy in the room was life-giving and empowering. This life force was contagious, the smiles no longer fake facades, the authenticity shining through, true deep connections between 122 people in that room being realised and uplifting the room’s energy, moving us to tears of joy, touching us to our core and inspiring us to live fully now and now and now.
With their invisibility cloak ripped off, Mr Resistance & Ms Stubborn are no longer operating and lurking in my blind spot as I now know that I know that they are there with me, and that now gives me the power to leave them powerless and meaningless, unless I let them. And this will happen, and has happened since, be sure of that. A breakdown in consistency and commitment to this new way of being, a breakdown back to the automated way of thinking and reacting, a breakdown where my Inner Voice goes wild with excitement, over enthusiastically, insensitively, opinions, rackets, triggers, meanings and stories. That’s when I inadvertently hand back the power to them and my old way of thinking, of being, of reacting, of acting, emerges with the same old results. This typically happens when I’m tired, feeling some niggly pain, or both, or when triggered instantly by something around me or something said to me.
Now, following the Forum I have that power to interrupt that old way of being, to think differently, to view it differently, to act differently, thereby getting a different non-automated result that kept me stuck in my old way of being, in a life OK and quite ordinary and somewhat predictable.
This was just one major blind spot so far that I’ve discovered and uncovered. I am still acknowledging its forty-plus year impact on my life and others around me and working with the new tools to complete things and clean them up. Andrew we will be gardening together at your suggestion, running together, supporting each other, doing all the things I acknowledge I resisted and avoided with you. To now building the possibility of an unbelievable life together, full of love, care, empowerment, for our home, our time together, our family, our friends and for our businesses.
There will be more blind spots that I currently don’t know that I don’t know are there. I am at the very start of my new transformation journey, we’ve only just left the station and hit the first set of points, the line ahead has no final destination or stopping point, there is only one direction, no side-tracking, no side tracks, no going back now. There will be some sluggish uphill sections and some record-breaking speedy unbelievably fun, fast and transformative downhill sections. I’m full of courage, and open mindedness and coming to realise it’s the whole track, the whole journey that is the continuous transformation happening right now and now and now, not just in The Forum. The Forum was only the starting point as I sat in the last seat of the last carriage, head down, with my paid for golden ticket while clutching my mixed baggage, possibly hoping engineering works would halt me there in the comfort zone that I knew.
Now I’m in the front seat of the front carriage, with no ticket, nothing stopping me, no self-sabotaging restrictions, no resistance, no baggage, no self-doubt, no stories, no meanings, no unpaid for tickets, no controlling conductor. I’m now that driver of my life on the loud speaker sharing the ups and the downs, the breakthroughs and the breakdowns, cleaning up as I go, taking full ownership and responsibility for my thoughts my new approach my new actions and my new results.
So imagine now how my new authentic body position reflects this new way of being: statuesque hands on hips, tall, strong, powerful, loving, open, caring, authentic, thoughtful, attentive, sensitive, present, excited, full of possibility, unreasonable, productive, effective, standing by my word, on time, committed, alive, living in the moment, assertive, stress-free, calm, confident, self-assured, grateful, appreciative, sharing…there aren’t quite enough words to convey it. I am now released to be free, to be excited by the new realm of possibilities to come; to be weightless, be unstoppable, be full of self-expression, be important, be caring, be sharing, be sensitive, be confident, be grateful, be accepting, be tolerant, be open, be loved and be loving, be empowered and be empowering for my family, for my friends, for my clients and for me.
It feels like a new life force has been gifted upon me. I am eternally grateful for all the people I have met at the Forum from the support staff crew to the fellow transformees I’m now deeply connected with, and for our Forum Leader Michelle Omg who assured us she was there to fight for our life to the end. My Resistance lost the fight, I won it. I fought for my new life more powerful and empowering; a life no longer ordinary, predictable and automated, instead one that I choose to be extraordinary, by creating anything at all from nothing at all.
Take Action, consider the possibility that you ‘watch this space’ from your observation viewing platform and see the impact that this new different transforming way of being has on me, on those around me and maybe on you.
Take Action, consider the possibility that you too may like to try it on in your own life and what impact that could have and what new possibilities you could create for your life.
Take Action, consider choosing to climb aboard yourself its open to everyone.
There are no stations to pause at, there is no future destination, there is only now and the realm of possibility you can create and live now. All aboard.
By Claire Foy (nee Seaman!)
August 2017